Thoughts on Courtship

THOUGHTS ON COURTSHIP
By James McDermott

As a courtship movement father who has 1 child married through courtship and 6 unmarried children between the ages of 14 and 21, I am intensely interested in the issue of courtship - especially as it relates specifically to my children. I have noticed, as we have had opportunity to meet Christian courtship families near home and around the country, that people are dealing with common challenges that I would like to address.
BACHELORS AND OLD MAIDS
One of the painful truths of the courtship movement is that there are many singles well into their twenties who want to marry but haven’t been able to.
Part of the problem is the relatively small number of singles with compatible beliefs and the isolation of Christian courtship families from each other. The obvious solution to this problem is that Christian courtship families with children of marriageable age should be more aggressive in finding each other. Finding spouses doesn’t get the priority or the sense of urgency it deserves in isolated Christian courtship families.
I am not recommending desperation as a courtship principle and I don’t think my child should necessarily take the first boy or girl who comes along. But I do believe my children are more likely to lower their standards or act in desperation if they are getting along in years and they rarely see members of the opposite sex their age who haven’t already rejected them or been rejected as spouses. The drive to find a mate is God-given and incredibly powerful. It is very close to being a need. Furthermore, it is the most important life decision most people will ever make. It deserves more effort than what we give it.
Most of our parents didn’t have to worry about their children finding spouses. All they had to do was send us to school and let nature take its course. (But we know the bumper crop of immorality that system yielded.) Although we courtship families have rightly rejected the immoral system we inherited, we have been slow to catch on to the parental responsibilities of the system we have adopted. Our children of marriageable age are isolated from one another and they may need parental help finding each other. If our current sphere of friends and acquaintances will not yield spouses for our children, we probably need to meet new people somehow. With modern communication and transportation options, it should be possible. We just need to be creative.
The other part of the problem is that some courtship families have made the cost of getting married so prohibitive that boys especially cannot hope to be married before 25 and many would need to be in their thirties before some courtship families’ financial requirements are met. Some families require a bride price in the tens of thousands of dollars, dowries, home ownership with no mortgage, no college loans, emergency funds, and an income that will support a large family.
If these extreme standards of wealth were applied to humans from the beginning, mankind would not have survived. Even in today’s world, if everyone were required to have the amount of money some courtship families believe should be required to enter into marriage, most men in the world would never be able to marry.
We courtship parents need to stop making money a greater concern than what it should be. One of the dangers in having parents more involved in the courtship process is that they think too cerebrally about it all. They tend to think of the practical issues and think it nothing to tell a young man or young lady of 20 that they just need to wait 5 or 10 years. But they forget that God made the 20-year-old girl a boy magnet and He made the 20-year-old boy a boiling kettle of hormones who strongly desires a girl of his own.
If, in the most prosperous culture the world has ever seen, young people are kept from marrying until 5-10 years after God designed them to be married then shame on us. Even in the secular world the age of marriage is being pushed back, but that is only because out-of-wedlock immorality allows one’s drive to be satisfied while waiting for the right person and the money to come along.
I believe any system of courtship that delays marriage until children are well into their twenties will yield a harvest of immorality. Immorality is too prevalent and the temptation too strong. If you don’t believe it, you have closed your eyes to the rampant problems in church youth and singles groups. Paul writes, “Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” And, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Too many courtship parents believe passion is something that can be ignored. Marriage is about financial preparation and a check list of character traits and theological beliefs. To be sure, these are incredibly important, but they are not all there is. Marriage is more than a friendship and business alliance. Passion and attraction and unmet drives also play their part.
I acknowledge that some are, indeed, in control of their passions and do not need to marry young or marry at all. There are also others who must control their passions for many years because no qualified suitor has expressed an interest in marriage. And I am not saying that it is wrong to prepare for the practical side of marriage. What I am saying is that it is wrong to ignore the less practical side of marriage. Paul, himself, didn’t ignore it. Indeed, Paul did address immorality and passion concerns, but he never addressed the financial concerns of getting married. Paul didn’t say, “Because there is so much immorality in the world, every man should have his own wife as long as he has a house and car he owns outright, no college loans, the bride price, a good income, and an emergency fund.” He didn’t say, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion unless you are poor.”
Finally, I still believe the most eternally significant thing most people do is to raise children. I know that Paul said that singleness gives people a chance to devote themselves wholly and with undivided attention to the Lord. I believe a single who devotes himself fully to the Lord, like Paul, can accomplish more than a married person with children. However, I can tell you that it is my experience that Christian singles in general do not use their singleness to accomplish more for Christ but to have more fun or make more money - which they tend to spend on themselves. They travel, they go out to eat and for coffee, and they go to the singles group. They are not, as a group, dedicated body and soul to the Lord. The single life many Christians lead does not prepare them for marriage. Instead, it trains them to be selfish, irresponsible, and spoiled.
Marrying young usually forces one to work very hard and to be responsible - which can reap a wonderful spiritual harvest. The writer to the Hebrews said to consider hardship as discipline and to remember that God disciplines those he loves. Marrying young and having children right off also increases the number of children to raise and the souls of the children are the only things a parent has in his house that will last into eternity. Everything else will be burned up.
Many parents who, like us, do not believe in birth control and who believe that God will provide no matter how many children God may give us are practicing another sort of birth control by delaying marriage until circumstances are financially ideal. Could it be that the spiritual significance of the children who may come between 20 and 25 is more significant than the money that could be made? I know in our case, if I had to do it over again I’d still take the children over the money.
FEAR: LEGITIMATE AND ILLEGITIMATE
On the one hand, I want my children of marriageable age to be around other likeminded people of marriageable age. I don’t want them to avoid people because they don’t like meeting people very much and I don’t want them to avoid people because some unwanted person might be interested in them. Unless you are doing arranged marriages with no input from the children, there is no getting around the fact that our children will have to reject and be rejected. And even if the courtship process is mediated through parents, pain cannot be eliminated. Parents can tell their children to be dead to their emotions, but I don’t think it’s normal for anyone to find a spouse without anticipation, excitement, and some pain. I want my children to be pure, but willing to risk rejection because a godly spouse is worth it.
On the other hand, I do want my children to fear making a poor choice. Just because someone seems like she would make a good spouse, or just because someone shows interest, doesn’t mean that they really would make good spouses. Are their beliefs compatible? Is their lifestyle compatible? To be sure, our children need to be flexible since there is no such thing as a perfect spouse. And all of us are raised differently, so it is almost certain that our spouses will have at least slightly different views and tastes. But not every believing boy who shows interest in my daughter will make a suitable spouse for her. Some issues – such as homeschooling and birth control – are so important to raising children that differences can be irreconcilable. A boy who sees every violent and immoral PG movie that comes down the pike may have a hard time convincing the girl whose parents never allowed her to watch TV that he would make her a good husband. I want my children to think soberly about these things and to be wary of first impressions. Sometimes people appear wonderful when you meet them, but when you truly get to know them they have serious flaws. And given that courtship people are often isolated from one another, long distance courtships between people who don’t know each other very well make choosing a spouse on deceptive first impressions a real danger.
THREAT FROM MODERN COMMUNICATIONS TECHNOLOGY
If you have any dealings at all with young people, you know that they are experts in the use of modern communication devices. Their cell phones and emails are perpetually checked and they are always on the internet or watching TV, or the movies, or YouTube or whatever.
Modern technology can be a blessing. Our car broke down yesterday when my son was driving to the university and he called us on his cell phone to tell us his predicament. I drove our other vehicle to where he was at and used my cell phone to call a tow truck and then to call the mechanic. I was able to pay the towing bill over the phone so I could leave the broken down car and drive my son to school; he was only ten minutes late for a tutoring appointment he was able to keep. In the old days - well, I just don’t want to think about how long it might have taken to get the car to the garage and my son to school.
But modern media and communications devices are also a curse. Satan has used them to fill our homes with raunchy entertainment, advertisements, and reading material. He has enabled us to waste so much of our precious time being entertained and being busy bodies without having to leave our homes.
The effect this has on the generation approaching marriageable age is hard to underestimate. They are often worldly, silly, and shallow. They’ve always got to be doing something. And let’s face it: Too many of our children are far too acquainted with the latest violent and immoral movies and TV shows. Some of us have tried so hard to keep our children pure by homeschooling and pursuing courtship or betrothal instead of dating. We don’t want our children to be corrupted by the world, but then we allow Satan to show them the most awful things right in the comfort of our own home. And with laptops and cell phones, immorality, violence, and gossip are now portable. Our children can take it with them wherever they go!
Modern media isn’t all bad. In fact, some is very edifying. I think it legalistic to say that the TV, DVD player, computer, or cell phone is inherently evil. My children aren’t totally disconnected and I expect most of their spouses won’t be either. But I would rather have them marry someone who never watches or listens to anything than someone who has an affinity for violent or immoral media.
CULTURAL CHRISTIAN, HOMESCHOOL, QUIVERFULL, COURTSHIP CHILDREN
This is a sobering thought for me, but it is possible to have children who homeschool, home church, are quiverfull, and practice courtship who are unsaved. Protecting our families from this wicked culture is commendable before God, but we must never assume that protecting our children from the culture will save them. There are many unbelievers in the world who are culturally Christian. In the churches many of us grew up in there were many people who went to church, were baptized, were confirmed, who did what Christians were supposed to do publicly, but whose hearts and lives were far from God. It is not enough that our children are homeschooled. They must be born again.
To be saved we must be born of the Spirit. The Spirit is received by faith, and faith comes by hearing the Word of God. It is amazing to me how little some homeschooling families emphasize the importance of reading God’s Word. All our children need God’s Word, but it is urgent that our older children are reading the Scriptures regularly. We err if we think that our children can neglect God’s Word without being spiritually shallow, immature, or even unsaved.
No matter how well we protect our children from the evil in the world, we must remember that great evil is inside every one of us. We have all inherited a sinful nature and we need the Holy Spirit working through the Word to bring us to life and to lead us in the ways of righteousness. We don’t need anything or anyone to lead us in the ways of wickedness, for unbelief and wickedness come naturally. We need to take the spiritual nurturing of our children more seriously and the spiritual food they need most is God’s Word.
We cannot assume that because our child is marrying into a Christian, homeschool, quiverfull, courtship family that they are marrying a believer. My child must know the potential spouse well enough to make as sure as he can that he is getting someone who is born again.
CONCLUSION: A PARENT'S ROLE
We parents need to make sure we are not taking our watchful eyes off our children as they grow older. We are all in need of discipline and accountability and that is especially true of older children who are just getting their freedom. Do we know where they are going and what they are doing? If we were the proverbial fly on the wall, would we approve of what they said and did when they were with their friends? Are they interested in spiritual things, or do they only care about their own pleasures?
As long as our children are in our house and under our authority we have the right - no, the obligation - to train, to nurture, and to discipline them in the Christian faith. I fear some of us parents are like foolish gardeners who work hard during the spring to plant, fertilize, and weed our plants, but neglect our garden the rest of the year. Do we think that failing to water, weed, and protect our plants all summer will have no effect on the harvest?
Children eventually need their freedom and that includes freedom from our authority. But a parent should be watching over his children, advising them, and sharing edifying spiritual insights even after they have left home.
As our children grow up and start households of their own, let us do everything in our power to see that they have the best foundation possible before they leave. We need to teach and pray over them with a sense of urgency.
I’m afraid I was growing a little complacent about things. Now, I long for my children more than ever. I long for chances to share spiritual things with them.
I want my children of marriageable age to weed their spiritual gardens as they prepare for marriage and I want them to choose spouses well. There are some absolutely awesome young people of marriageable age in homeschooling, quiverfull, courtship circles, but there are worldly, spiritually immature, and even unsaved young people as well. May God give us Christian parents the wisdom and the strength to raise our children well. And may God bless our efforts by saving our children, keeping them pure, and giving them godly spouses.
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